A lot of us quote movies and we do it not only because we love the flick or the quote but because we know that others will pick up on it and if they don’t it is an opportunity to turn them on to a good flick.

Over the years I have had some quotes that I find myself myself using repeatedly. We all have these whether we now it or not and the easiest way to know if you have said something several times before is to watch for the eye roll when you are talking to someone.

While it can be fun to use the words of others to make a point or a quick connection, sometimes it is better to simply use your own material. You might be surprised what you come up with. Here are some of my personal favorites. I will warn you know some of these are a bit over the top and some are just plain crazy.

• When I feel like I can’t laugh , that is when I know I need to laugh the most.
• Show me a man that does not watch porn and I will show you a corpse.
• Some people are born stupid and others have to work at it. Which are you?
• Some see the glass the half empty. Some see the glass as half full. I say I am thirsty and just drink the damn water.
• Michael Bay’s first directing gig was directing a Playboy video and he has yet to show boobs since. He has however shown us a lot of explosions which leads me to think that boobs cause explosions.
• I may be slow, but I am dumb.
• Don’t call me sir I was enlisted.
• I smoke so others may live. You see if I did not smoke I would kill somebody.
• The trick in life is to have fun no matter where you are or what you are doing. It is just a matter of how much.
• If it is not fun make it fun.
• If it is not fun then it is too much like work and I hate work.
• There is a sign in my head where my brain should be that reads “Space for rent. Lease available with option to buy.”
• I have lost me. If you find me, please return me. I miss me.
• A fathers job is to teach his children how to kill themselves. You know like the other day when I showed my daughter the proper technique for sliding across linoleum in your socks.
• Your day should either kick ass or suck balls. Anything in the middle shows you are not trying.
• I have heard worse from much better.
• My response “Alright.” Is to say, “No, all left.”
• My response to BRB (Be right back) is BLF (Be left front).
• Some one asks How are you? How is it going? Or something to that effect I will respond with, I have no idea. You tell me and we will both know. How is it going, I don’t even know where it is going much less how we are getting there.
• Never take anything I say personal or you may hurt yourself self getting mad at me.
• It could be worse, I could be boring.
• The only person Andy Kaufman ever tried to entertain was himself. He figured out how to get paid a lot of money to entertain himself. For that alone he was absolutely brilliant and one of my heroes.
• Sarcasm, born with a gift that with years of practice I have turned into an art form.
• This has actually happened more than once.
• Mom: You little son of a bitch
• Me smiling: Yeah mom, you’re right.
• The fact that the above has happened more than once should tell you a little something of how I got to be this way. Here is another.
• “Hey dad, you know how you call me and Aaron numnuts all the time? Well we figured it out. I am the left nut, he’s the right nut and you’re the dick.”
• I have forgotten more movies than most people have seen.

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There are others but this will do for now. Have a good one kids.